


this is for the lions

by emogay



Series: twin size mattress [1]
Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians & Related Fandoms - All Media Types
Genre: Diary/Journal, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-04
Updated: 2019-06-04
Packaged: 2020-04-07 17:58:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19090183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emogay/pseuds/emogay
Summary: I still believe in giving all of myself to someone because I can't hold myself back.So hey, this is for you.. . .extremely vague and messy diary entry from nico about leo.





	this is for the lions

**Author's Note:**

> idk what this formatting is lmao sorry

This is for the lions living in the wiry broke down frames  
Of my friends bodies  
When the flood water comes, it ain't gonna be clear  
It's gonna look like mud

There's something so profoundly crushing about the way he talks about himself. The way he seems himself. He says he'll never find love, never be happy. I want to reassure him that yes, he will, _he will._ I want to promise him that he will. But I can't do that.  If I say a single thing it'll be wrong, and for that he thinks he is wrong. He thinks that he's abnormal because he's alone. He's not abnormal, and he's not alone. The things I would give to prove that to him, it makes my heart ache. I have to be careful about when I tell him I love him. If i say it at the wrong time everything will come crashing down around me and suddenly I'll be alone. It'll be cold. 

I can't drop hints. I can't make implications. I can't lead him to believe something that I can't promise him because I'm so deeply scared. Though I know, even if I did do these things, it likely wouldn't make a single difference to him other than flattery. I'm not the best, and I'm not the worst. I'm average and insignificant and cold and rough like cement. I am not what he wants.

There's a certain type of person in this world, the type who feels love so deeply it shakes them to their core. They lose themselves to love and would sacrifice so much just for a drop of mutual affection from one specific person. I am this type. Relationships never go well for me, my friends tell me I'm too giving. A welcome-mat. The greenest grass that Americans take for granted. And because of that I am used and abused and left in the dust, but I still believe in love. I still believe in giving all of myself to someone because I can't hold myself back. 

So hey, this is for you. 

I think about you a lot, you know. I feel incredibly guilty about it, even if my thoughts are entirely pure. Because I'm not supposed to feel like this about my friend. You aren't supposed to make me feel this way.   
I think you're breathtaking. At first, I didn't think much. You had someone, and that was fine. We were friends. But then we got close, and I started to fall, and my stomach started to flip. My hands started to tingle and my voice started to shake and there's tears running down my face as I write this, because I can't feel this way. 

I haven't admitted it to myself until now. I knew, but I refused to process it, to make it real. I can't keep it from myself any longer, like it keeps sleep away from me on the stuffy summer nights when you're getting rest and I'm getting drunk. Some part of me thinks you know, and that's why I'm held at arms length. You don't want it to be real either. Some parts of me are scared of you finding this, how you'll think of me. How you'll react, if you'll even say anything to me about it. Maybe if you don't, we can carry on like nothing happened, and everything will be okay for you. 

I'm falling apart. 

This is incredibly dramatic but I feel so much so deeply and just because I'm young and just because I'm blind to life doesn't mean I can't _feel._    
I think things started to go downhill for my heart when I started to feel my hurt more, and you started to share your hurt more. We're alike and I hate what it does to me. 

My heart flutters for the wrong person. 

I'll give you more later. Or maybe not, depending on how much it hurts. 

-   
Nico


End file.
